I've always been on the fence about those "coming-out" posts. While it brings me a tremendous amount of joy to see people fully embracing their sexuality and feeling comfortable enough with the world to share it, it still serves as a reminder to me that the world is sadly not quite comfortable with people who don't conform to heteronormative ideals. After all, you don't see people coming out as straight. This may sound stupid and I do fully support people who have found comfort and solace in doing these kinds of posts, but something about them still confounds me. But anyway, that isn't what this blog is about.
I would like to talk to you about something that's been on my mind quite a lot as of late...biphobia. For those of you who follow any of my socials then I'm sure you are all well aware of my rage towards this outdated and quite frankly idiotic aversion, particularly in relation to bi-women. Biphobia is defined as "hostility toward bisexuality and bisexual people as individuals [and] it can take the form of denial that bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation, or of negative stereotypes about people who are bisexual."
Coming to terms with my own sexuality
I'd like to think that I have long been comfortable with my sexuality. It's not something I talk about often, not out of shame, but because I guess a part of me has always felt a little out of place. Not fully part of the gay community and not fully part of the hetero community. I'd worry that people would think that I was using being bisexual as a stepping stone to being gay or that I was just confused. During my initial realisation, I often had people ask me "But how do you know you're bi if you haven't done anything with a girl yet? Are you sure you're not just bi-curious?" I'd find myself torturing myself day in and day out, questioning if they were right and that this attraction to girls was purely the remnants of going to an all-girls school for 18 years. This internalised biphobia haunted me for a long time and it was only until I went to the University of Bristol and met like-minded people that I felt comfortable enough in my bisexual skin.
Experiencing biphobia from the LGBTQ+ community
During my time at Bristol, I had two boyfriends, one of whom I'm still with now. I had previously never questioned whether this invalidated my sexuality because I knew that I still liked girls as well. While my friends were endlessly supportive and never once questioned me, I still experienced biphobia from other people. What shocked me the most was the biphobia that I was experiencing from other members of the LGBTQ+ community. I'd start talking to a girl in a club or a bar and as soon as she found out I was bisexual, she suddenly wasn't interested. How dare I be so greedy as to like men as well! I explicitly remember being told that I shouldn't be in a gay bar because I'm not "gay enough", whatever that's supposed to mean. Clearly, I needed to roll up my jeans more.
Facing the stigma around bisexuality
Now, it's no secret that bisexual people face some of the highest levels of stigma and discrimination within the community, and this needs to stop. Researchers have coined the term "androcentric desire hypothesis" which describes the phenomenon that gay and lesbian people perceive bisexuals as being more attracted to men. It is about damn time we normalised bisexuals having a gender preference. Preferring men over women does not make you any less bisexual and that is just a fact. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't super common for us to find each gender equally attractive, that's not how bisexuality works. As my friend said, being bisexual is"like a club that you have to be perfectly bi to get into". This sounds ridiculous but is sadly the reality of being bi these days and the only way we're ever going to eliminate this blatant biphobia is by talking about it.
Social media and biphobia
I'd also like to talk about the abhorrent normalisation of biphobia on social media, specifically TikTok. As I was doing my routinely morning scroll through my 'for you page', I was shocked at the sheer amount of biphobia jumping out at me from the videos and more obviously, the comments on said videos. Accusations of girls only coming out as bi to conform to some kind of "aesthetic" or "trend", were abundant. It's no wonder 46% of bisexuals haven't come out to their family yet compared to just 17% of lesbians and 12% of gay men. Some girls might confuse being bi for being bi-curious, and we need to stop villiainising them for that. It's okay to be confused. Other videos consisted mostly of lesbians or even bi-women shaming us for "choosing" to date men instead of girls and non-binary people. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the whole point of being bi, liking BOTH men and women? It's not a choice who we fall for, not an active decision, it just happens. Let's normalise this and not this ridiculous notion that we're simply confused, in denial, or attention-seeking.
Why I decided to write this blog
As I was talking to my boyfriend the other day, something came to my attention. I talked to him about how I'd noticed myself constantly joking about wishing to date a woman even though I was with him. I'm not denying that it's strange to joke about dating someone else while you're with someone but that's when I realised why I was saying it. Through social media and people both in and out of the LGBTQ+ community, I'd somehow been indoctrinated into believing that because I was with a man, I somehow needed to prove my queerness. This deep-rooted fear that stemmed from me not feeling accepted into any community was causing me to act this way. I have now recognised this behaviour as a side-effect of biphobia which is exactly what lead me to write this blog post.
In conclusion...
So whether you're an out and proud bisexual or simply processing your sexual identity, I hope you take something away from this. You are loved, you are valid, and your sexual preferences do not define you. So what if you're a bisexual who prefers men over women? So what if you're bisexual and in a long-term relationship with the opposite gender? So what if you have never kissed a girl before? Let's work on making this world a more accepting place for us, and all members of the community. Please look at the poster below which touches upon a few more aspects that you should be aware of when it comes to biphobia. Oh, and for anyone wondering, Gillian Anderson was most definitely my bisexual awakening.
Comments